• Adrian Barclay

School bully targets Moses and Apple pissed at Mum's latest stitch-up

Gwyneth Paltrow's decision to sell a vagina-scented candle isn't going to go down well for Moses and Apple tomorrow at school, sources close to the family have said.

"I've been getting shit all night on WhatsApp, TikTok and Snapchat," said Moses Martin. "My so-called mates filmed themselves dancing with my mum's vagina candle.

"That sounds tame but I lost it when a graphic video came in of someone lighting a candle then whipping off.

"I''m done. Conscious decoupling with my biological mother starts today," he said.

The candle, called 'This smells like my vagina' sold out on Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop store overnight. Witnesses saw Chris Martin in the dark of night loading crates of the candles into the boot of his car.

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