• Pablo Thoreau

ScoMo orders one Fleshlight per household to help Australians stay home.

In a move being applauded by men's rights groups and teenager boys all over the country, the Aussie PM has placed an urgent request for over 8 million Fleshlights and hopes to start distributing them before the coming weekend.

Leader of the 'Aussie Men's Rights Alliance (not PC!!) Facebook Group 7 (Aussies Only) Page For Dads' Trent Andrews has confirmed his members are stoked. "We were hoping we'd get some more action in this crisis, but it's just further deepened the issue of no woman ever wanting to touch us. Scott has really saved our bacon here."

Addressing the nation's press today, Scott Morrison awkwardly joked and winked his way through the speech like only a 50-something dad can. "We're helping Aussies stay in. Indoors. IN-doors. Get it, Andrew? In the bedroom. It's a sex thing."

"I care about Australians and I know Australians care about Australians - which is very Australian. I've asked our supply partners to set aside the ventilators and masks, and instead complete a rush order on these isolation-aids instead."

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